Axe Trotsky

You may not like Trotsky. You may despise him and everything he stands for. Or perhaps you have no idea who he is. Whatever you think, on February 27th, 1940 he said something extremely simple. It’s something you’ve probably heard people say many times over the course of your life. You may even have heard someone say it this week. But I would argue that because of who Trotsky was, he said it best. No one will ever utter those three little words as profoundly or as poetically.

When I was seventeen years old I worked at Baskin Robbins. I had zits and I was failing US History because I couldn’t be bothered to do stupid things like my homework.

When Leon Trotsky was seventeen, he was in prison in Siberia.

Sorry...I’m gonna back up a few steps. For anyone out there who hasn’t heard of Leon Trotsky...shame on you. This man is easily one of the most influential people in the last 100 years. When you and your buddies crack open a few beers and start talking about “leaving your mark on the world” you’re probably not even imagining having as much of an impact as this guy did.

So, when Trotsky way sent to Siberia, you know what charges this 17 year old kid was convicted on? Organizing a labor union.

After a couple of years, Trotsky managed to escape from Siberia...which I’m under the impression is kinda like escaping from Alcatraz...if Alcatraz was surrounded by thousands of miles of sub-zero degree wastelands. This begins his first period of exile from Russia. For five years, Trotsky lived in London writing for a communistic magazine written by other Russian exiles. The magazine was smuggled back into Russia and aimed to get the people all riled up for a revolution.

Then, Trotsky smuggled himself back into Russia -- to lead the Revolution. It’s important to not that the two other major Russian figures were NOT actually directly involved in the revolution of 1905. Lenin was still out of the country, calling the shots in an age without cell phones. Trotsky was the man who was putting his ass on the line. As for Stalin -- he was just some punk kid at the time. He took part in the revolution the same way you’re “sticking it to the man” by buying a Rage Against the Machine album.

And by 1907, two short years later, Trotsky was caught and shipped back to Siberia. Is it just me, or was that just a bad idea in the first place...sending a guy to a prison he’s already escaped from once. History makes no indication of whether or not blueprints of the Siberian prison were tattooed all over Trostsky’s body, so we are forced to assume that they were. Oh yeah, and he totally escaped. Did I forget to mention that?

So then, Trotsky spends the next ten years bouncing around from country to country, spouting off about how people in power are jerks and they’re taking advantage of the little guy. Only he called them “the proletariat” instead of “the little guy.” You’re probably thinking...well, he must have been a big jerk if they kept kicking him out of the country. Yep...big ole jerk. Only a real asshole would suggest people share ALL their possessions (that they worked hard for, dammit) with those around them who are less fortunate...assholes like Jesus and St. Paul...who were also pretty unpopular with...well...everybody who preferred to hold on to their possessions thank you very much.

In 1917, the czarist government finally crumbled, and Trotsky returned to his home country of Russia. Lenin became the first Head of State in the newly christened USSR, and Trotsky was his right hand man. Unfortunately, seven years later (1924), Lenin died. There was a bit of a scramble over who would succeed Lenin. To everyone’s surprise, that person turned out to be Stalin.

From that point onward, Trotsky is slowly expelled from more and more of his positions until in 1928, four years after Lenin’s death...he is expelled from the country for the third and final time.

I’m gonna stop now to do a little math. So, once this guy started, you know...fighting for his right to party, he spent only a whopping thirteen years in the country he was fighting for. To put this in perspective, imagine if after America won the Revolutionary War, Thomas Jefferson kicked George Washington out of the country. That’s pretty much what it’s like...except Jefferson would also have to go on a murderous rampage and kill every single one of George Washington’s family members, friends, supporters, alleged supporters, and...well...a whole lot of other people.

You see, Trotsky was a communist. Communists believe that wealth should be distributed equally and everybody should pitch in and earn their keep. Stalin was a dictator. Dictators believe that wealth should be distributed equally and that everybody should pitch in to make sure that the dictator’s life is more awesome. So when Trotsky and people like him start saying, “woah woah woah...hold up...I thought we were going for communism here,” Stalin had a bit of a temper tantrum.

And by temper tantrum, I mean Josef Stalin killed more people than Adolf Hitler. He killed anyone who opposed him. He killed anyone who didn’t enthusiastically support him. He killed people for being popular with the people. And he especially killed anybody who liked Trotsky. And while Stalin was busy killing anybody who’d ever so much as seen a picture of Trotsky, Trotsky kept right on opposing Stalin.

So, seriously...take this all in for a second. Imagine that you had lived a pretty hard life...you went to jail for the first time at 17. You spend the majority of your adult life in exile from the country you’ve spent your entire adult life fighting for. The ideals you fought for are being corrupted by a man who was once your friend. Furthermore, every other friend you’ve ever had has been assassinated by this man. And imagine if every single member of your family was assassinated with the exception of ONE grandchild and your wife (this includes children, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews) -- this is factual information, check your history books. Imagine if you are kicked out of every country that takes you in -- this time not because you’re pissing them off, but because they’re THAT scared of Stalin. Imagine you...wait...seriously...are you imagining this? As if it were happening to you? Do it! Everyone you love, everyone you have EVER loved has been murdered in cold blood BECAUSE they’re related to you.

And you know that Stalin has already deployed assassins to hunt you down and kill you. You don’t know who they are, or when they will come...only that they are well trained and they will succeed. It is only a matter of time. Very, very short time.

Imagine that you are an atheist and you do not believe that there is anything beyond this. The only life you will ever know is that of exile, failure to bring freedom to your people, and the murder of everyone you’ve ever cared about -- that is all there is.

A few months before his death, Trotsky wrote:

“Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere.

Life is beautiful.”

And it makes me think -- if this man, an atheist who experienced nothing but grueling torment and pain his entire life and knows that assassins are literally on their way to kill him as he’s writing this, can say “life is beautiful” then what right do I have to ever EVER suggest that it might not be so.

For the record, Trotsky was also Batman. On August 20, 1940 Ramon Mercader smashed a mountain climbers axe into Trotsky's skull. The assassin attacked Trotsky from behind while Trotsky was writing (a biography of Stalin, how awesome is that?) Trotsky stood up, turned around and spit in Mercader's face. Then, he beat the crap out of his assassin -- actually overpowering him with a MOUNTAIN CLIMBER'S AXE STICKING OUT OF THE BACK OF HIS SKULL. He died a full day later.

Whether you like his ideas or not. Whether you think he was a hero or a villain, you have to admit two things:

1) That's pretty badass.

2) Life is beautiful.