Let’s say somebody disagrees with you. Let’s say it’s a fairly important issue. You have a few options:
- Kill the infidel.
- Shake your head about how silly they are.
- Tell them you love them. If necessary prove this by dying in their place.
Now, maybe I’m exaggerating the options...but I’m fairly sure these three represent the three distinct possibilities. They also represent, in my never-humble opinion, the worldview expressed by three major world religions.
- Islam
- Eastern Religions (especially Buddhism)
- Christianity
I’d like to take this moment to say two things.
First -- I am fairly sure that the majority of “Christians” take the first worldview. Therefore, for the sake of removing ambiguity (and also for the sake of pissing them off) I will henceforth refer to them as Muslims...actually, scratch that. Henceforth I will refer to them as assholes. The rest of the Christians I know...and to be honest...the better ones, fall into the second category. I will call these people Weirdos...as that seems more accurate than calling them Easterners. Finally, there are the actual Christians, who’s outlook matches the one they claim to have. For the sake of simplicity, I will call these people nonexistent.
Second -- I recently read up a bit on a concept called fatwa. And BOY DO I WANT ONE. Let me back up and explain for those of you who didn’t grow up speaking Arabic. A fatwa (or fatawa, depends on where you find it) is a declaration of some sort by a major leader in the Islamic community. The popular misconception is that the term is only used to describe a death sentence placed on a person. The term, in fact, is far broader than that, and describes many many other types of declarations. Personally, though, I want the popular misconception type.
You see, I’ve always wanted to be assassinated. For one thing, you just leave a more lasting impression on the world after your dead if you’re a martyr and not some old guy who died peacefully in his sleep. But also, as a supposed Christian...if nobody wants me dead, am I really shaking things up to the degree that Jesus would want me to? So, there’s that. But now that I’ve heard about this fatwa thing...I now know WHO I want to kill me -- the Muslims. Now...I know what you’re thinking: “beggars can’t be choosers, Reed.” And yeah, you’re right...they can’t. But they CAN do everything possible to piss off the Islamic community until they declare a fatwa. And really...it’s not like that’s especially hard to do.
This guy named Salman Rushdie writes books. He’s wasn’t even particularly famous before he wrote a book called “The Satanic Verses.” To simplify it a bit (actually, to OVERsimplify a whole hell of a lot) -- “The Satanic Verses” is basically the “The DaVinci Code” of Islam. It’s a fiction book with a fictional plot and fictional characters. And actually, “The Satanic Verses” is a bit tamer than “The DaVinci Code” in terms of the sorts of allegations it’s FICTIONAL characters bring up. So, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the spiritual leader of Iran at the time, announced a fatwa requiring all good Muslims to kill Salman Rushdie. That’s...ALL...good Muslims. The guy was put in the witness protection program for a while, but eventually left because he felt like hiding would be allowing them to win.
Another story: There’s this chick who was raised in an Islamic society -- complete with the arranged marriage and everything. So, she ran away and sought political asylum in Holland. So then, she decides to write this movie about the rape, abuse, and other mistreatments of women that are not only permitted but encouraged in the Koran.
If you are a married man, and at some point, you’ve thought to yourself... “Gosh, I hate it when she says she has a headache when I’m totally wanting to get it on! I wish I could just beat her a little and then rape my own wife,” fear not...just convert to Islam...that’s totally what you’re supposed to do.
So, yeah, this chick, who (for the sake of convenience) we’ll now refer to as Ayaan Hirsi Ali wrote a screenplay exposing the treatment of women in Muslim countries. The film was directed by Theo van Gogh (who is totally related to that guy who cut off his ear). Now, I gotta say this, because it’s important information. It was a 10 minute film. When was the last time you actually watched a 10 minute film? That’s what I thought...it’s pretty much the same for everybody. It wasn’t even especially well reviewed. So, we’ve essentially got a critically mixed box office flop that lasts a whopping 10 minutes.
Theo van Gogh was stabbed to death two months after the film was released and Ayaan Hirsi Ali is in the witness protection program.
Now, before you get up on your big ole high horse and start thinking how much better we Christians are -- what with our peace, love and freedom of speech...oh wait...I’m pretty sure Christians tried to get Harry motherfucking Potter banned from the library. Last night, my friend Ben Jack told me that a picket line screamed at him and told him that he was a bad person when he went into the movie theatre to see The DaVinci Code. Also, I’m pretty sure there’s this pastor in Arizona that’s been telling people to kill President Obama.
Does this sound like something Jesus would do or something Mohammed would do?
(Honestly, I really don’t care if that is what Mohammed would do, but if you’re offended by the statement, please declare a fatwa against me)
Now, perhaps you are like most Americans and all you know about Mohammed is that he was some Arabic guy who went to Mecca once. Allow me to enlighten you. Mohammed raped, killed, lied, cheated, stole, and owned slaves. Oh...and he was also a pedophile, I almost forgot that part. Furthermore, he condoned all of these things and told her followers to do all of these things, if necessary, to convert all of the world to Islam.
Sweet. Sounds like a man with a plan. Sign me up.
So, if I start calling you and your “Christian” friends Muslims...understand, that what I ACTUALLY mean is that you are modeling your life after Mohammed and not Christ, you asshole. The Muslim way of doing things is this: If I believe something that you do not believe, I must MAKE you agree with me.
Maybe I should make up a series of Jeff Foxworthy-esque Muslim jokes...maybe that’d get me a fatwa.
If you’ve ever led a revolution, killing hundreds of people just to remove a dictator, you might be a Muslim. (Che Guevara, Leon Trotsky, George W. Bush, Vladamir Lenin, William Wallace)
If you’ve ever burned a book because you found it offensive, you might be a Muslim.
If you’ve ever claimed that your God hates ANYONE, you might be a Muslim.
If you’ve ever physically or emotionally hurt someone because you feel like they deserved it, you might be a Muslim (ouch...I think that one makes me a Muslim)
If you’ve ever hurt someone to make your own life a bit more comfortable you might be a Muslim. (again...this is me)
Although, I guess, to be fair...I should be calling them Mohammedians rather than Muslims...the term Muslim means one who is submitted. It’s not really an insult to call some asshole “one who is submitted.” But to suggest that you’re kinda like this asshole who called himself a prophet so that he could do whatever the hell he wanted...yeah...I feel like that’s kind of an insult.
(Is this offensive enough to Muslims yet? Or am I gonna have to adapt the Satanic Verses into a screenplay and find somebody ballsy enough to produce it. Side note: several of Salman Rushdie’s publishers were murdered.)
Now, let’s move on to the weirdos, aka the Buddhists, Hindus (some of them), Sikhs, Taoists, Confucianists, Baha’i, and actually Scientologists, believe it or not. (I bet that “weirdo” label is making a little more sense, now). When we have a disagreement about something important, weirdos take the Eric Cartman stance: “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
Most Eastern religions teach peace, love and harmony, same as the hippies. And, for the most part, they practice it. While the Christians and the Muslims were busy killing the crap out of each other in the crusades...the Buddhists were busy meditating on the flower and learning to walk on hot coals and stuff like that. In fact, when we Christians (cough Muslims cough) went over to the Chinese and Koreans to “open trade routes” they politely declined...citing the fact that they trusted us about as much as they trusted that guy in the hockey mask from the Friday the 13th movies.
We quickly pointed out that the Chinese and Koreans were dickbags who should totally trust us. We had already opened trade routes with Africans and Native Americans and they weren’t complaining.
So the Chinese and Koreans just did they’re own thing for a few hundred years.
You see, the key to understanding Eastern religion is the idea that happiness is found within. Islam (and Western Civilization) says that happiness comes from having cool stuff. Those guys and gals with the funny eyes have a bit better grasp on things than we do. They’re pretty sure that if you really want a bicycle and you think that a bicycle will make you happy...you’re wrong. You’ll be the same amount of happy with the bicycle as you will be without the bicycle...it has more to do with whether or not you’re content with what you have, if you’re happy with who you are. What weirdos! And when you think about it, a lot of pastors teach this kind of mumbo jumbo, and even a lot of atheists, who don’t even have the funny eyes, believe this kind of stuff! Also, there was this middle eastern carpenter who taught this kind of stuff...but what the heck did he know?
Only, fact of the matter is, this is a pretty difficult way of life to accomplish. It’s SOOOOO much easier to say, “No, no...I WOULD actually be happier if I had a bike (or a girlfriend, or a baby, or a bigger house, or a video game...etc)” than it is to say, “I am happy...regardless. And you know what...if I’m not happy...it’s not anybody else’s fault.” This is the genius of Eastern religions. This is where they are beating the crap out of us Christians at our own game. However, there is (in my never-humble opinion) a big flaw with this kind of thing.
Both Mohammed’s way and the Buddha’s way -- Assholism and Weirdoism -- are, at their core, philosophies on how to get what you want. The asshole way to get what you want is to find the best tactic that will allow you to get it. The weirdo way to get what you want is to say, “eh, I didn’t really need it all that much anyway.”
Christianity, or at least my personal take on it, exists outside of those rules.
If the question is, “How do I find happiness?”
In my imaginary world where people respond the way I want them to, the following three people would respond to this question as follows:
Mohammed: “You will find happiness by seeking it, and doing everything within your power to obtain it.”
Lao Tzu: “You will find happiness by realizing that happiness is already all around you.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: “Hey, guys. How do I get what I want?”
Mohammed: “I don’t know. It depends on the situation.”
Confucius: “No, no, no. You’re thinking about it all wrong! The key isn’t getting what you want! It’s realizing that you don’t need it!”
Jesus: “Wait, I’m sorry. What was the question? I wasn’t paying attention.”
I’m pretty sure that at it’s root, Christianity is a religion that has absolution nothing to do with getting what you want or with being happy. Granted, I’m biased, because I’m a Christian. But my understanding of Jesus is that he was a guy who was focused on other people and making their lives better.
And I truly don’t think that anybody else who has ever lived has ever been so unselfish. Gandhi came close, but I’m pretty sure he was still a pretty crappy guy, just ask Penn and Teller. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t believe there’s such a think as an unselfish act.
So maybe being Christ-like is impossible. Maybe there is no such thing as a “Christian.” I’m pretty sure everybody I’ve ever met in my entire life is floating somewhere in between being an asshole and a weirdo -- this even includes the Muslims and the Easterners -- we all prescribe to one of the three major world religions, regardless of what we call it...I know a lot of really awesome Muslims, who are TOTALLY not assholes. I know a lot of Taoists who are complete assholes. And I know a lot of Christians who have a lot more in common with Buddhists than with Joel Osteen.
So call me an asshole. It’s true.
Call me a weirdo. That’s true too.
But don’t call me a Christian, cause I’m not really living by his principals.
(but if calling myself a Christian helps to get me a fatwa, then holy shit, I’m a super-huge awesome Christian, and Mohammed sucks donkey dicks.)
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