On Love (Part 10): Loves does not boast

Love does not boast, or in the Message translation “Love does not strut.”

I’ve been worrying about doing this one for a long time.

How exactly is this is different statement than “Love is not proud?” They seem, if not the same, at least similar...to the point that I don’t know what new ground can be covered here that I wouldn’t already tread in talking about love not being proud...but recent events in my life have caused me to come back to this one, and I think I see a few differences.

Recently, my buddy Canada has gotten onto a few online dating sites and has somewhat encouraged me to do the same thing. But the idea is so repulsive to me. It seems like a sign of desperation. “I can’t get girls on my own, so I’m going to go online.” and of course, I want everybody to know that I CAN get girls on my own! I, of course, am horrifically proud.

So, I will describe the process:

Step 1: Canada wants me to see some girl he’s been talking to, so he allows me to peruse his own profile, logged in as him. There’s all these cool questions you answer. And you can look to see what other people’s responses to the same question was. And hey, some of the people who answered these questions are pretty cute.

Step 2: I wanna answer those questions. It’s almost like a quiz. It’ll be fun.

Step 3: I can’t use certain functions of the site without putting up things like a picture and a profile...so...fine, I’ll do that.

Step 4: Oh my gosh. It is so fun to look through different girl’s pictures and see what they’re like and stuff...like a fly on the wall.

The End. I’m not dating anybody on the site, I have no intention of ever dating anybody on the site. I say this as a disclaimer because I am horrified of the idea of looking like some lame-o who goes online looking for girls.

So...to continue the story, I’ll switch topics for a moment.

I went with my friend Esther to a club a couple of weeks ago. If you’ve never been to a club, allow me to describe it to you -- women wearing revealing clothes and men all over them. Clubs exist to be a place where men and women can meet. You don’t go to a club to dance. I mean, I suppose SOME people do. The majority go either to find a mate or to find somebody to sleep with -- which is basically the same thing, right? Finding a “mate” is just finding somebody you’re gonna sleep with for the rest of your life.

We treat it like it’s the more honorable objective, and it is the lesser of two evils. But, as always, the lesser of two evils is still evil. One doesn’t go to a club looking for a friend. One doesn’t go to a club looking for someone to be there for and comfort and give a neck rub even when you’re tired of giving neck rubs. One doesn’t go to a club looking for someone to do the dishes for or buy food for when they’re hungry.

When a secular guy walks into a room of 15 people and is immediately only aware of the 3 most attractive girls and ignores everyone else so that he can attempt to flirt with those three girls and try to sleep with them, we call that objectifying women.

When a Christian guy walks into a room of 15 people and is immediately only aware of the 3 most attractive girls and ignores everyone else so that he can try to discover whether or not one of those three girls might be compatible enough to be his wife...we somehow call this honorable. How is it any different? In my opinion, he has objectified those women. They are objects to him. Objects that are only as valuable to him as their ability to improve his life.

And when some other guy walks into that same room and ignores the same three attractive girls because he knows that there are a few people in that room that can help him to further his career, is he not also objectifying? And don’t we all do this every single day? Every single time we walk into a room? We instantly identify (or quickly try to pinpoint) the people in the room that are the most likely to improve our lives. We objectify everyone around us.

I am the center of my own universe and every single other person’s value is dependent upon what they can bring to the table.

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I do think that this is all tied to boasting. And I’ll get to the point soon enough.

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The concept of God being disgusted by sin and unable to look upon it has always been so foreign to me. It’s almost like that old expression: “If God is all powerful, can he make a sandwich that’s so big even He can’t eat it?” How can an all powerful God require us to cleanse ourselves of sin before we can be in His presence? It’s a nice idea and all, but how can it really be true?

I’ve heard the analogy before that a man has a very nice house and it’s very clean. His children go outside to play and it’s been raining. He tells them to be careful and not play in the mud. But of course, they’re children...so they play in the mud (duh). But his house is very clean. And if he lets them in muddy, then they’re going to get the whole house muddy, and that would be gross, now wouldn’t it? So he requires each of them to wash off the mud before they come inside.

I like this illustration because it makes me picture Jesus and a big fat guy standing outside with a hose (and probably a cigar in his mouth). And it’s a nice illustration. It clears up a few questions, but it does not clear up God’s inability to stomach the presence of sin. I mean...if it’s like mud, then, well...it’s just mud. What’s the big deal?

A new guy walks into that same room of 15 people. This time, the guy is me. A fat girl walks up to talk to me -- she’s younger than me, and also unattractive, so I’m uninterested right off the bat. She doesn’t really have anything to offer me in the way of finding a mate or improving my standing in the film industry. As she starts talking, I find her to be a bit annoying, so I wander away from the conversation. There is nothing abnormal about this exchange, and I’m certain that no onlooker would think I was a bad person for walking away from the conversation. But God, knowing my heart and knowing my mind would almost certainly be disgusted. I guarantee you that had this girl been attractive, I would have put up with her annoying conversation a while longer. And it’s because I’ve objectified this girl -- she has nothing to offer me. She is an object, and this particular object has absolutely no value.

God loves me because I am his son and I am special and unique and wonderful. He also loves this girl because she is his daughter and she is special and unique and wonderful. God knows my heart. He knows all the subconscious workings of my mind and he knows that I have just deemed one of his most precious creations as being utterly worthless.

We are so totally disgusting. I kind of feel disgusting. As always, I say all this only knowing that I do this. Maybe you are better people than me, but something tells me every single person does this every single day.

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Now that we’re all on the same page, I’ll get back to boasting.

I know that I’ve said that I wanted to try to stay away from dating relationships and marriages in doing this whole “On Love” thing, because it’s so much more than that...but I think for boasting, the process of finding a mate gives the best and clearest example.

What are you looking for in a mate?

That special man or women you’ve been dreaming about your whole life -- what sorts of qualities do they have?

I would argue that everything you just thought of is bullshit. You’re looking for someone who will make you look good.

Why do men value physical beauty so highly? It seems that’s the only important criteria in looking for “Mrs. Right” (or do you say Miss Right?...I’m actually not sure). When I was at that club, the men seriously outnumbered the women, yet all the ugly and average looking girls were all along. But the attractive women had 2 or 3 guys glued to them. Why? Honestly, I think the answer is simply that this is what society tells men is important. Men want to appear powerful, and you look powerful by landing a hot babe. Now, if you’re a Christian or a moral person, that manifests itself in landing a hot wife. If you’re some wild child bachelor stud...you’re going to sleep with a long string of hot girls...proving over and over that you’re more powerful than those silly moral people by being able to “get” more than one hot girl.

And for that sort of guy, it seems that the ultimate victory is to have a threesome. Why? What is so appealing about that? I really think it’s just because it’s so hard to convince women to do it (this is an assumption, I’ve never actually tried). Only a really awesome, really powerful guy could convince two girls to have sex with him at the same time. THAT is the appeal -- it’s an ego stroke. And the guy knows that he’ll be able to boast about it.

And for those Christians with hot wives...? They’re not boasting, right? I’d argue that their wife allows them to boast without verbalizing it (and therefore coming off boastful). Men think that way. We see their hot wife, and we think, “Wow! She’s hot! Good for him!” We’re impressed, and he wants us to be. Few guys think, “Wow! She’s a phenomenal artist! He’s so lucky!” And I think that is why looks are so important to men... it’s all for the purpose of looking powerful: boasting.

For women, it’s different, but the same. Women seem to be attracted to powerful men -- whether that manifests itself in money, talent, charm and charisma, or political power depends on the woman. Now, some would argue with me (and have) that this is more of a primal factor -- it’s leftover psyche stuff from back in the days when women needed a powerful protector for their child. And it’s a valid idea, but I think it’s bogus. I think it’s all about what other women are impressed by. If your friends all think guitarists are SOOO hot...just listen to that beautiful music he’s creating! Chances are, you’re going to want to date a musician. Because that’s what’s harder to get. That’s what makes you awesome. If your friends all talk about a guy who will really take care of them and dream of living in a nice big house and having 2.5 kids and a nice car and a dog, and maybe live on the lake, chances are you’ll end up wanting those things too...to impress your friends, and you’ll look for the kind of guy that can provide you with those sorts of things.

You see, I think we’re all just objects to each other. Your mate (at least during the choosing process) is just a means to an end. You want to impress your friends, or show off some aspect of how awesome your life is to prove those jerks from high school wrong. Right? It’s just your sinful nature...it’s not something you think about often, but I bet it’s that creepy voice in the back of your head that’s shouting at you “No! Not him! (or her) You can do better!”

If I believe myself to be a 9 on a scale from 1 to 10, I’m going to want to date a 9 or, ideally a 10...because getting a 10 proves that I’m actually a 10. I will not date a 1-6

and the chances of me dating a 7 are pretty slim too. 8’s are the people that I’m kind of attracted to, but really...I feel like I can do better. It doesn’t matter where I ACTUALLY fall on this scale (as if there were really a scale). What matters is that I believe that I’m a 9...and I will therefore date (or court if you’re a Joshua Harris fan) accordingly.

I think this is why breakups hurt so badly. If two people are not compatible, in an ideal world, they would realize this, acknowledge it, and move on, happy to have helped each other get a slightly better indication of what they are looking for in a spouse. But the reality is, I’m pretty sure no one ever breaks up for such noble reasons. People break up because they think they can do better. They have finally realized that they’re girlfriend or boyfriend rates below them on the scale, and it’s making them look bad.* And we instinctively know it, don’t we? When someone breaks up with us, it makes us feel worthless. We feel like we’ve been objectified and determined to be an object without value. Sadly, it’s likely true. But I suppose there’s comfort to be taken in the fact that “It’s not you, it’s me” really is true -- it’s the one doing the breaking that is shallow enough to think such thoughts.

And this is why I’m embarrassed to admit that I signed up for a stupid dating site. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to actually date a girl from a dating site. I instantly think, “people WILL ask how we met, and I’ll either have to lie or admit that we met on an online dating site and they’ll immediately assume that I was desperate and couldn’t get girls.” I’d much rather them look at my wife and go “wow! dude!” and then give me a high five. That would stroke my ego a bit more.

Who we date and who we marry says a lot about us. And for the most part, I think is says that we human beings are awful, shallow, petty, boastful creatures. Again, I come to the conclusion that we are unable to truly love one another, no matter how desperately we may try.

You do not love an object.

And the harsher reality is that boasting influences far more of our lives than just who we mate with. When I wake up in the morning, I eat breakfast because I am hungry. Then I shower. Do I shower in order to be sanitary? Or do I shower so that people will know that I am not gross? And why is not showering gross? In most of Europe, people shower once a week. Weekly showers are all that’s really necessary...but in America, we shower daily because of shampoo ads. Decades ago, shampoo companies started marketing campaigns suggesting that people shower more so that they could sell more shampoo. You can have better looking hair when it’s clean, you see.

Next I put on my clothes. Now, why on earth would I need more than a few pairs of clothing? Sure, I need different clothes for different occasions, and I need something to wear while other clothes are being cleaned...but I imagine I wouldn’t look very cool if I wore the same one t-shirt every day. And looking cool is awfully important to me. And there are people who buy more and more clothing of increasing value in order to look more and more posh. That way, they don’t have to SAY, “I have great taste.” They can SHOW you that they have really great taste. They are wordlessly boasting.

Boasting informs far more of your decisions that I think you realize. I know it informs almost every single decision I make. We are prideful beings. And furthermore, we are fearful creatures. We’re scared that people will discover how wretched we really are. Boasting hides that. Boasting, as it turns out, isn’t rooted in pride nearly as much as it’s rooted in fear.

And how sad is it that you initially chose (or will choose) who to spend the rest of your life with in part because you were trying to boast?

We’re incapable of loving, because we’re incapable of making even the most important decisions without asking that demon called Boasting what his opinion on the matter is. How does one even stop doing that? Certainly not by writing a blog on the subject -- I’ll let you in on a secret. Posting a blog on anything is a big, loud, obnoxious, bragging yell out into an endless sea of faceless people you’d like to impress.

Maybe go hang out with someone you’re not trying to impress. Start praying in closets, and don’t tell anyone that you’re doing it. Stop showering. Stop buying clothes. And when people ask you why you smell bad and dress poorly, just shrug and say “sorry.” Although, if you do that, you’ll be doing it alone, cause I don’t want anybody to think I’m some kind of weirdo living out in the wilderness eating locusts and honey.

I suppose you could always just enter into an arranged marriage...but honestly, I think that too would only be entered into (in “civilized” Western culture) as a way to boast about how virtuous and unshallow** you are.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, eh?

And of course, I don’t suggest that you go off and marry the fat, ugly, annoying girl from the illustration. Just...know that love doesn’t boast. Love is patient and kind and all of those other things. Love listens to God. And yeah...I do think there’s at least one person in all of human history who chose his wife for non-boastful reasons. Hosea. And, sadly, I’m pretty sure the last thing any of us want is to end up like that guy.

*I realize that there are other possible reasons for breaking up, but this is a pretty major one, and it suits the point I’m trying to make best.

** Yes, I know unshallow isn’t a word, but it gets the point across better than “deep” does.